A few "Dos & Do Nots:" A Rough Draft

Ten Commandments are everywhere - in holy books, in not-so-holy books; there are the 10 Commandments of writing, of acting, of directing, of singing, of working, of everything. However, I've never come across the 10 Commandments of Parking Lot Etiquette. This is, because, most of you are douche bags and treat the parking lot attendants like jerks. We're not jerks, you all are - we should get that straight right away.

If parking is too expensive, you cannot blame those who pick up the toll. It's out of our hands. Hell, we're not even authorized (or supposed to) to give refunds if you're not staying. We're at the bottom of the heap - the maintenance workers are above us - no offense to those who work in maintenance.

So for you parking your cars in our lot, here are some rules:

1. If you're already in a sour mood, DON'T come to the game. It will only piss you off even more, and eventually get your ass reported to the powers that be, which might lead to your expulsion from the game and any future games. This also includes your family, which came with you.
   
2. I understand cussing out people might make you feel better, but DON'T cuss out a parking lot Nazi. This will only cause problems and leave one of us beaten - and believe you me, it won't be the jerk outside of the car. Cuss me out if you have to, but don't verbally abuse me. It's not my fault that the toll is $2 or $3. And if you do decide to blame me, do it under your breath and DO NOT attempt to take me down with you, because I will and I'll go swinging if I need to. You've been warned.
3. DO NOT think you can out run us, should we be isolated and alone on a Slow Sunday. Chances are, you'll annoy us and you'll still have to pay. If a vehicle should enter while we're chasing you down, there's a slight possibility that you'll have to pay for them, too (though we won't tell you this and chances are if they see us going after you, they'll come pay us for fear of the same punishment).
   
4. Tip your Parking Lot Nazis if need be. We really don't do much but collect tolls, but standing in the sun is a horrible thing to do in the middle of July. If you feel the need to tip us, don't feel silly doing so even though we see it as such. We'll be glad to take it and we'll thank you. It's just courtesy.
5. DO NOT ask us where the free parking lot is. There isn't any! It's $2 or $3, period. However, if you're nice and sweet, we'll tell you that on the other side of lot 3 is the university's problem. If you get caught there, it's not ours. If you want to take the risk, then take it.
   
6. Parking Lot Nazis (the men anyway) love girls. However, this one is immune to their ways. Just because I can see your oversize cleavage and your undersized skirt (which leads to god knows where, but I fear infection) doesn't mean I'm going to be nice to you and say go ahead and park for free. That sort of response is left for those who don't have the proper change or look like they worked hard to bring their kids to this one game. I'm serious. Don't try to flirt with me. It won't work.
   
7. No water, sodas or food is allowed inside the stadium. It's common sense. We didn't make the rules, society did. You don't take your own popcorn to a movie, do you? Well, at least not openly stating so.
8. In comparison, $2 or $3 isn't so much against the fine/prison time, you'll get from running us over. Think about it.
   
9. Making conversation with us is a good thing. And it's welcomed. Even if it is negative toward the price of parking. Truth be told, most of us do sympathize with you.
   
10. Free parking does exist, but only before we take up our posts and after we leave. Anything in between, you're completely screwed.
11. The toll is $2-$3. DO NOT bring in a fifty or a hundred and expect change. Half the times, we'll call it in and say you didn't pay, therefore embarrassing you and your family at the gate.
12. If we're on the phone, it means we're calling in for more cash. Please be kind about this.